things i have never done before until the past 2 weeks: 

  • live on my own

  • clean the kitchen

  • use the washing machine

  • clean the sink

  • clean the toilet

  • clean the bathtub

  • clean after someone

  • take out the trash

  • make breakfast for myself on a school day

i never realised how spoiled i was before… i thought living on my own
for 2 weeks would be easy… i thought i could cope with that and exams
no problem what so ever… HA! how wrong was i??

normally i dont do much around the house other than things for
myself…eg eat…study…clean myself…i’ve always thought mum was
too much of a clean freak… and i didnt think she needs to clean so
much. until the responsiblity of keeping the house clean was laid down
on ME…

i find myself being just as much of a clean freak as mum…. all i wanted
to do was clean the house… and i felt so stressed out when i couldnt
coz i had to revise for exams…! and whenever my brother is in the
country. i will have to clean after him… i’ve never had to do that
before… other people clean after me? sure thing…all the time….
but i never knew what it was like to be in mums shoe to have to clean
after us.

i’ve learnt so much in these 2 weeks. im proud of myself 😀 and God.
well Hes just amazing. answering my prayers of something that has been
a problem for so long. the way He answered it….wow i can not think of
a better way… 😀

parents are back tomorrow. and i just pray that this wont be the attitude for just 2 weeks. but forever.


i need to revise
im not just stressing……. im panicking

but i dont have time
i dont have time for exams
i dont have time right now  to decided which type of bacon to buy at a supermarket
i dont have time to cook for myself
i dont have time to clean the kitchen, to do the laundry, do the dishes
i dont have time to look after my brother. to clean after him
i dont have time to deal with family problems
i dont have time to deal with people who just cant understand me
and i certainly dont have time to deal with ants entering the house

i dont know whether it is the ants in my house that are causing these tears..
or my fear of them spreading… or just EVERYTHING? i feel so helpless…

right now at this very moment i dont want to be looking after myself, the house, the brother
i just want to be looked after….


feelings… are free floating, like a butterfly

they float about hoping to land on a flower

when the butterfly comes off a flower

it looks for another to land on

sometimes….any flower would do

as long as it is there at the right time

but the butterfly has been wounded and it can no longer fly…..
you’ve hurt the butterfly and still you dont have a clue about it

*flutter flutter*

worshiping God with the guitars and songs
a new kind of joy that i experienced

is pathetic really….

a part of me really feels the need to be close to everyone and to love
everyone. i want to know everything about everyone and i want to care
for all. i want to be everybody’s ‘best friend’…

but why…? coz i want to feel them love me back? i want to feel like i
mean something to others…? at the end of the day is more or less just
for my own sake… to fulfill my own securities. so when all that is
taken away from me….im lost…

when things dont work out. im the first to give up. coz i cant stand
being the only one reaching out. i dont like things working just one
way. anything that is too much of an effort, i dont like. anything that
doesnt come naturally to me, i dont try. im jealous of people who are wonderful

so now what? i dig a hole for myself and wait for people to reach in…
so that i can reach out and know that something is there…. so it can
be a two way thing…. so i wont have to try as hard…so i will get
back the love i felt…so i will get all the attention and i will feel
close to everyone~

im pathetic really….
and realising it is even more pathetic….

on a happier note……

fudge bday