i’ll never forget that you were the one who taught me the effects of cannabis…..
and now i know what methylenedioxymethamphetamine is….
i have every reason to move on right?

im in disbelieve……

i should stop revising about drugs……


i do not record the last time i felt this crap… still i dont know what is going on. but i know something is going on. not just merely ‘i feel crap’ but something much deeper…and i am still searching

i’ve spent the last week or so looking inside of me. some say inward looking, some say selfish. both not very ‘Christiany’ things to do. i’ve spent countless of times questioning…everything…even God. it all started when God invited me to dig a little deeper within my heart. and when i did, i found desires. lots and lots of them. a few, so strong my heart aches everytime i think of them. i began to see how incomplete i was. and i decided that this world is not enough for me.

i know what you are thinking….hannah that is very selfish, hannah Jesus is enough for you, hannah just have faith….

maybe i am selfish and discontent. but only because He has shown me how much i mean to Him. how much my HEART means to Him. how my deepest desires are His desires. im discontent only because i know im created for so much more. i crave to have the perfect relationship that this world can not offer…

then i became sad….how long do i have to wait God? when can things be perfect, just the way you have intended them. i feel so far away from Home. when can i be with You?

i though i was ok. my walk with Christ was ok. i can come through as a ‘good Christian’. and i got too comfortable with that. had i carried on the way i was….slowly but surely Christianity would have become the rules of life instead of an intense relationship with God. i would have grown to be accustomed to doing the ‘right’ things. im tired of all that. not saying my heart was not in anything i have done before…. i dont know what it is…. theres something so much deeper and i want to discover it for i know it will change me forever.

there is still a part of me that feels guilty of digging so deep. it’s messy…those around me will know. im a right mess and can be burdensome to people… when you are deep is easy to get lost…. but today i found peace with where i am. to know that it is ok to talk to God deeply. it is ok to explore like this. as long as going deep comes from knowing who He is.

i still have a lot of questions. but i believe this horrible dry patch will only bring me closer to Him. in new ways i have never even tasted before.

”my head is strong but my heart is weak. im full or arrogance and uncertainty”. so give me wisdom and understanding, tie my heart together with what i know.

Proverbs 2: 1-5

My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you
turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,
and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding,
and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.

 Choosing love will open spaces of immense beauty and joy for you, but you will be hurt


 “To live with desire is to choose vulnerability over self-protection, to admit our desire and seek help beyond ourselves is even more vulnerable. it is an act of trust. those who know their desire and refuse to kill it, or refuse to act as though they dont need help, they are the ones who live by faith.”