i think i might be struggling…

i struggle with doing millions of cwk in a short space of time
i struggle with the fact that exams are coming up
i struggle to understand what is being thrown at me in uni
i struggle with coping with the changes around me
i struggle with keeping up with everyone
i struggle to come to terms with what happened with us
i struggle to trust You with the future
i struggle to pray for people and not see results
i struggle to lead
i struggle to be led
i struggle to speak up
i struggle to shut up
i struggle to love like i should
i struggle to care
i struggle to turn my passion into action
i struggle to be the woman You want me to be
i struggle to live a godly life…..

but the voice of truth asked….
have i ever failed you? no…
have i ever not been enough for you? no…
have i ever not been faithful to you? no…
have i ever not loved you? no…

my struggles, they make me real. but they are not here to stay. for i have the ultimate solution to all my struggles. i have hope

i want to trust in You no matter how i feel!

isaiah 40:28-31

28 Do you not know?
       Have you not heard?
       The LORD is the everlasting God,
       the Creator of the ends of the earth.
       He will not grow tired or weary,
       and his understanding no one can fathom.

 29 He gives strength to the weary
       and increases the power of the weak.

 30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
       and young men stumble and fall;

 31 but those who hope in the LORD
       will renew their strength.
       They will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.



im not quite the same…. i look like your average uni student…
but im not quite the same…. i believe in different things
i think differently…. i act differently…. 
compared to most people im pretty abnormal….

i know its a good thing… im not of the world…
but really…sometimes you feel a bit alone being different…
a bit alienated….

people look at me and think….shes a bit behind and outdated in her thinking…
shes a bit naive in hoping for what she hopes for…

i wish i lived in jane austens days… where women are mysterious
they never give away too much, never easy to get…
those women were the ‘attractive’ ones
but if you take a beauty from jane austens time and put her HERE and NOW
she becomes the nerd… the prudish one, the unattractive one

the way i am is unlikely to ever be classed as ‘attractive’
im not what guys look for….

maybe i never will be…
but Jesus calls us to live set-apart lives.
and tbh…my life right now isnt as set-apart as it can be
im only relatively ‘set-apart’…. which means not very set-apart at all

i think i want to be the alien…. i want to be even more of an alien…
sometimes is a bit lonely and i wish the world would be aliens with me…
but thats unlikely to happen…

john 15:19
if you belonged to the world. it would love you as its own. as it is, you do not belong to the world, but i have chosen you out of the world. that is why the world hates you.

so….bring it on… make me more alien like in the way i act, the way i speak, the way i think, the way i look, the way i live!



i think… i gave a piece of my heart away….

its a bit like…..someone takes your arm and then waves it in front of you saying…’hey look i’ve got your arm!!!’ you would think…after not living with that arm for so long you’ll be ok with it…. but nope….. you still miss your arm!!

i’ve tried so hard not to give my heart away like that… for many years i had made it my aim to try keep my heart in one piece…

but i still gave a bit away…. it wasnt much but i miss it… i didnt do anything all that wrong. i did the RIGHT thing. but still….. in the process…slowly…without me even realising… i gave it away.

i really desperately want that piece back, i desperately want to be ok.

im sorry that the heart that i have to offer to You is incomplete…. would You restore that missing piece?…. i promise i wont give it away again…

i really want to be ok


 O Lord can You create a pure heart cause I’m afraid 
That I might just run back to the things I hate