i dont remember a season quite like this one.
it is fair to say that i do not have it all together. that i am stumbling.
i hate to admit it…. things with You had been so so good…. to be like it is now… i feel like i’ve failed….failed to maintain a relationship.

‘You are all i have and all that i know…You CAN NOT just leave me’
these were the words You drew out of my desperate soul.

i’ve read the right books, i even went to a breakthrough weekend…
but Your presence seems to be fading. that is not the God that i know.
‘i will not leave you nor forsake you’… these are Your words.
so from that i can only conclude that You are present but silent.

sometimes i get a glimpse of You…
in the mist of a prayer, a short sense of Joy during worship, few moments when sermons make sense, occasionally from what i read.
but where are the days when i could FEELYou? when i was sure of Your presence?

funny how now i experience You most when im out of breath, sweating, running down the road with a stitch by my side. thats when i know that no matter what, i can not stop training for the race.

‘I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ‘… i’ve known this verse since forever. but now get what it means by ‘press’ on, both physically and spiritually. i know when the actual 5K comes… i wont know exactly how long i will need to press on for… i’ll just have to do it….

few nights ago when the dark cloud above my head was very dark indeed… after a long cry and some pleading…all i could say was. ‘just keep going… just keep going’

i have on idea how long i will need to press on for… but im going to press on untill the finish line….

You are all i have and all that i know….so i will just keep on going….



last night i had a dream
that my prayers for you were answered
you changed.
you were going to leave your friends, leave that life
and turn back to Him.

why did i have to wake up?
why does caring hurt so much?